Völlig losgelöst / völlig schwerelos.

24-05-2008 18:47

And like that, the call, like a brick, finally comes through the window. Four years, 66 days, a few hours and change. I look around my apartment, surrounded my her things. Not ours, any more. If I squint, I can see the last outlines of our future together, fading like mist.

I feel I've failed, somehow. A thousand missed opportunites, misunderstood gestures, simple things that I will never get to make amends for. But even that is too simple.
The heart wants what it wants, and it does not want me, does not want what I represent, does not want what I have become, most of all does not want me as much as it wants this other woman who is there, present, while I, three thousand miles away, am only a distant fading ghostly custodian of her memories and keepsakes.

I did it for her. Became this caricature of myself, functionary, her father's employee. Did so much, gave up so much, would have given so much more, if she had only asked. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her, would have followed her on every adventure, but she did not ask, will never ask, now.

She loves her. She won't be coming back for years. And it's time to let me go, to at long last cut that final cord and throw the call, like a brick, though my window while her cat - my cat - curls about my feet and does not, cannot understand what it means when I finally close the phone, open my throat, and for the second time in my life, understand what it means to wail.