Deep and Crisp and Even

Dec 26th

Woke at midnight on the 22nd, the snowfall breaking, and, unable to sleep, gather my things and finally the cat, bundling them into the car at 4 to catch the 5:15 AM ferry. The trip was cold, even the boat's interior icy, and I stayed in the car most of the time. driving south off the terminal was a revelation, the sky dark blue with dawn coming up in the Southeast, the strange geometry making it seem that I was driving south into the sunrise, staring down on the ecliptic, straight at the gorgeous last tiniest sliver of the waning moon. The landscape gorgeous, clear and frozen, deep blues and the predawn, climbing the mountains behind Nanaimo, the snow and the streetlights showing the shape of the land in ways I hadn't seen before.

It's been harder writing, lately. I've had trouble sleeping at night the last couple months, and my mind will not be still. L finally phoned today. She's home to visit, until the 10th, and at some point in there we'll hook up and she'll get her things out of the apartment. (Also at some point she'll be coming out to at least part of her family, something I am glad I'm quit of). I wish I knew some secret to make this less stressful. It is all strangely surreal. Not having any real experience dealing with a living, breathing ex is not helping here. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and understand what's going through her mind, but it doesn't seem to work. She seems restrained somehow, guarded. I was upset and wondering why she didn't phone me when she got in, but she thought I was still up in PG for Eckhart's Dad's funeral. Why does anything she does upset me, still? How can it be that I have any expectations left, by this point.