Stone Garden II (May 30)

Better living through chemicals. The over the counter stuff is enough to knock my semi delerious self into a fugue state long enough to sleep 5 hours or so, while Mom vents her frustrations on a weedy patch by the front door. Somewhat recharged at last, time to begin making arrangements for L's things. Her Aunt S. is very concerned for me when I call, extending an unexpected wing to gather me in, solicitous, angry.

This isn't fair to expect that of you, not at all.

It has to be done, I say, there is no one but me.

I do not add that L almost expected me to throw her things out the window. Aunt S offers any help she can, and we will see. I have been needing for a very long time to go through everything i own, as well, so this will not be quick. I remember as she speaks that Aunt S has been through something similar, has been in my shoes. She is, if anything, taking my side. It's complicated, I say, no one is to blame here. Dancing around things I cannot mention. She and I will be fine. We all will be fine. But time will have its pound of flesh. We talk of that dark place we both know so well, that must be crossed. She also advises eating well, and exercise. Swimming is good, she says. The water supports you, the repetitive motion calms.

Putting down the phone, I see mom, upset, emptying the dishwasher. Aunt S really enjoyed seeing the show with us last month, I say, which is the wrong thing to say, as mom begins to tirade about dad's behaviour there. Can't stand the theatre, but can't stand to be left home, it boils down to. As the conversation winds down and I get ready to go for a walk, I say something and mom says, Here, thrusts something in my hand. A stone. What? A heart shaped stone, like some cartoon valentine, rounded but rough.

What is this?

Found it in the garden, she says. Found it while I was digging.